Somebody to Love
by Starfish1295
Summary: How Josh saw the events leading up to, during and after SGTE


Somebody to Love By Starfish  
  
The first thing Sam Seaborn noticed when he woke up was that his head hurt. It really, really hurt. The second thing he noticed was the smell that had awoken him. Burning. Something was burning!  
  
It took a moment for his brain to process this information but once it had registered, Sam threw back the covers and raced out into the living area of his apartment.  
  
Following his nose, and the cloud of smoke, he found himself in his kitchen.  
  
What confronted him was a rather bizarre site. Well it was bizarre to Sam's rather confused and frankly excruciatingly painful brain.  
  
In his kitchen stood Josh Lyman, his best friend, happily spreading butter on what appeared to be a black square of charcoal that quite possibly used to be bread.  
  
"We really need to do something about this need you have for excessive amounts of carbon in your diet Josh." He stated calmly, as if it was the most natural thing in the world to say to someone first thing in the morning.  
  
As Josh turned to look at him, Sam suddenly became aware of the churning that the smell of the kitchen was causing in his stomach. That made him even more susceptible to the pounding of his brain. This acute awareness of his body culminated in him running for the bathroom.  
  
"Morning Sam!" Josh called out after his friend, chuckling, and then turned back to eating his toast.  
  
  
  
Josh went back into Sam's living room and sat on the couch waiting for his best friend to get over the initial part of what he suspected was going to be one hell of a hangover.  
  
Josh knew all about hangovers. Unfortunately with his "delicate system", as Donna so charmingly called it, he was more prone to them than most. Sam on the other hand rarely had the misfortune to suffer. Sam had a rather large capacity for consuming alcohol without getting drunk, which often made Josh sick with jealousy, and very rarely had bad hangovers. It could also be that Sam has a great deal more self-control when it came to drinking than Josh, knowing when to stop before things got too far.  
  
Last night was not one of those times.  
  
Last night was one monumental piss-up. Josh liked that phrase, he'd heard it in one of those English shows that they'd imported and tended to show late at night. He felt it really described the previous evening's events rather well, but for once Josh had not been the one "getting pissed", last night wasn't about him. It was about Sam's need for a release from the week's events, a release from the pressure that had been building since that God Awful phone call from his mother on Tuesday.  
  
Josh hadn't been anywhere near Sam's office when the call came in, but he sure heard the fall out as the information that Sam was ranting at nothing in his office flew through the West Wing.  
  
Shouting Sam was rare. He only came out in times of extreme stress or anger. Both of those were present in this situation but by the time Josh made it to Sam's office everything was eerily quiet. The people in the bullpen outside seemed to be working diligently, but Josh could tell that they were all concentrating on the door to the office of the Deputy Communications Director, that they were waiting for something else to happen.  
  
Tentatively Josh knocked on the door to his friend's office. There was no reply. Knocking a second time got the same reaction, nothing. Deciding that he could face what ever had happened behind it, Josh opened the door and stepped inside.  
  
He found his friend slumped in one of the chairs next to the window, the one's for the guests. Sam was staring at a photo that he held in stiff, white knuckled hands. Josh couldn't get a good look at the picture but he was sure he'd seen it before. It was the same picture that usually sat in the black metal frame on his desk. The one of Sam and his parents from his graduation day from Princeton.  
  
Josh liked that picture. It always had cheered him up to see the image of such a happy family. It wasn't the official graduation picture but one that had been taken by a normal camera by one of Sam's friends. Sam was in the centre of the shot, his arms around his mother and father. All three were grinning like idiots, his parents both looking so proud of their only child.  
  
So it startled Josh a great deal when Sam suddenly leapt up from his chair and started ripping the photo to shreds. When the pieces were small enough he hurled them into the trash can, then turned and stalked to his office window where he stood staring at the outside world.  
  
Sam seemed so lost in his own thoughts that he didn't hear it when Josh cleared his throat to get his friend's attention. Getting nowhere trying to get Sam to talk first, to be honest Josh wasn't sure that Sam knew he was in the room, he walked over to stand next to him by the window.  
  
"Sam?" he asked gently, "What's going on?"  
  
There was no response. Not even a glimmer of expression to suggest that Sam had heard him. Josh could see the tension on his face, the way Sam had crossed his arms in front of his body, as if hugging himself, trying to keep whatever demons were raging at bay.  
  
"Sam?" he said a little louder, this time laying a hand on his shoulder. That got a reaction. Sam swung around violently; overbalancing and crashing in to the bookcase that ran along the side of the room. Instantly Josh reached out a hand to help catch him, saving the deputy communications director from falling to the floor in his usual graceful manner. "Whoa!" Josh exclaimed. "Steady Buddy, it's just me." He watched as Sam seemed to gather himself together and knew that he was going have to drag whatever was going on out of his friend.  
  
Having known each other for a long time now, one could read the other like a book. The particular story that Sam's face was telling at this moment was the "I don't think Josh needs to hear about this right now so I'm going to pretend that everything's fine and dandy when in reality I'm going to close down completely and just work myself to within an inch of my life" story. And no, not even Sam's face used punctuation in it's story telling.  
  
"Sam what's going on?" Josh asked. He wanted to get in there quick before Sam had a chance to fully gather his armour, to make it so complete that not even his best friend could find the chinks in it.  
  
"Nothing," Sam said quietly as he brushed past Josh to sit in the chair behind his desk.  
  
"Yeah right, tell me another one Sam." He replied disbelieving.  
  
"Josh I'm fine. What makes you think there's anything going on?"  
  
"You mean aside from the fact that the news that you were having some sort of raging fit here in you office not ten minutes ago spread quicker than wildfire?"  
  
"I really don't know what you're talking about Josh, I was not having some sort of raging fit. Now I'm very busy, I have to review all of these pardon recommendations before Friday and then there's all this other stuff that I have to do." Sam gestured vaguely to the piles of paper spread out on his desk then turned to his computer, opened up a file and began to type at a rapid fire pace.  
  
Josh stood by the window looking at the turned back of his best friend in disbelief. He never had understood Sam's reasons for trying to hide all his problems. He assumed that Sam just felt like he was burdening people if he said something. That was just really annoying. How many times had Josh come to his best friend and ranted and raved and cried on his shoulder, he didn't know, but he could count the times that Sam had come to him on one hand.  
  
Walking around the front of the desk, Josh simply stood and stared at the side of Sam's face, knowing that soon enough Sam would get tired of being watched and would have to say something.  
  
He didn't have to wait long. He knew it was coming as the typing began to slow and then stopped completely. He was, however, surprised when the hands that had been typing were furiously, and loudly, slammed down on the keyboard as Sam stood up.  
  
"Would you please stop watching me!" he said furiously, turning to face Josh, his blue eyes burning with a cold fire that Josh was sure he'd never seen directed at him before.  
  
"Only when you tell me what's going on! Why did you tear up that picture of you and your parents from your graduation? Why are you looking at me now as if you're ready to kill me?" Well he'd come this far, it was obvious that there was something going on with Sam and Josh was not about to stop until he'd found out what it was.  
  
"I have no idea what you are talking about Josh. For the last time there is nothing going on!" Sam was shouting now. Completely negating his words.  
  
"For crying out loud Sam, I'm just trying to help! You can't tell me that there's nothing wrong when you're standing there yelling at me, you're ripping up photographs and having shouting matches with yourself all alone in your office!" Josh had leaned forward and placed his hands on the edge of the desk so he could get closer eye contact with Sam.  
  
"Fine!" Sam shouted, "Fine you want to know what's going on? I'll tell you. I just got a phone call from my mother,"  
  
"Oh God, is everything ok?" Josh asked, he knew what it was like to lose a father.  
  
"She was crying, she was so upset," Sam just carried on as if Josh had never spoken. "I was worried, I started thinking that maybe something had happened to Dad or something," Sam was no longer yelling, in fact his voice began to get so quiet that Josh had to strain to hear the words that were tumbling out of his mouth.  
  
"Oh something had happened to Dad all right, the bastard!" the words were spoken with so much quiet venom that Josh took a step back. Sam lifted his head from his contemplation of his desktop and aimed his blue laser gaze straight at Josh.  
  
"You want to know what's going on Josh? Well my dear father has just admitted that the last 28 years of a 37-year marriage to my mother have been a lie. A complete and utter fucking lie!" Sam's voice was raising in volume. Josh was surprised, Sam rarely swore, even more rarely than he shouted, and certainly never when talking about a family member.  
  
Just as Josh was about to ask what had happened to make such a devastating impact Sam continued.  
  
"You know ever since the age of four my Dad has been going on regular 'business' trips" Josh could hear the inverted commas that Sam had placed around the word.  
  
"Mom and I just thought that he was being the devoted father and husband that made such a great part of our family, the man who brought home the bread. Boy were we wrong! I can't count how many little league games, debating matches and hockey games he missed. He even missed my high school graduation for Christ's Sake! But I forgave him, I thought that it was unavoidable, that it was all part of his job, part of his duty to us, to Mom and me."  
  
Sam slowly sank back into his chair as he recounted his story. Josh didn't really know where he was going with this but he knew it wasn't going to be pretty.  
  
"You know what he was doing all those times? Where he was?" This time he looked up at Josh, this time he was expecting an answer.  
  
"Where was he Sam? What's he done?" He asked cautiously, not really wanting to do anything to get Sam worked up again.  
  
Sam gave a short, bitter bark of laughter. One so despairing that it wounded Josh to hear it.  
  
"All those times I respected him for working so hard, all those times I forgave him for missing parts in my life that I thought were so important. All those times he was visiting his damned mistress!"  
  
Josh could see the tears glistening in Sam's eyes and the stubborn refusal on his friend's face to let them fall.  
  
"28 years he'd been seeing her. 28 years! All that time he was telling Mom he loved her, all those anniversary dinners, he had another woman. Even bought her an apartment, you know?"  
  
Josh had no idea what he could say. There was nothing you could say to a man who just found out that his entire childhood with his parents had been a lie. How were you supposed to comfort someone whose family had just fallen apart? He watched as Sam got up from his desk to stand again at the window. Josh just stood and stared at his friend trying to come up with something, some way to console him.  
  
"Sam," he said taking a step forward. Just as he was about to speak again the phone began to ring. Sam turned back to his desk giving Josh a small smile of apology, picking up the phone and sitting down. He frowned when he heard the voice on the other end, resting his elbow on the desk and holding his head in his hand he sighed, gathering himself to try and sound the slightest bit normal to the person on the other end.  
  
Sam looked up, turned to find something on his desk, all business again. Josh knew he wouldn't be able to talk to his friend anymore now, no matter how much he wanted to.  
  
He quietly turned around and left the office turning over and over in his mind what he had just heard.  
  
He'd met Sam's parents a few times over the years. They'd always seemed so happy and secure in their marriage and of course they doted on their son just as he adored them.  
  
This was one hell of a shock to him, he couldn't even begin to imagine what Sam was feeling right now, probably a whole lot of shock and a shit load of betrayal. Josh had looked up to his father, he had been his hero, he tried to imagine how he would feel if this had happened to his family. He didn't like what came to mind.  
  
He was so lost in thought that he was back at his office before he knew it. Walking inside he found Donna waiting for him with an expression of concern on her face. He knew what she was going to ask. She was going to ask him about Sam.  
  
"Josh?" she said quietly as he shut the door. He didn't really want to tell her what had happened, it wasn't really his to tell, but he knew that gossip was bound to spread whether he liked it or not. Better to get Donna to keep it to a minimum now than to have Sam subjected to it all this week.  
  
He went and sat down, wearily, behind his desk, waiting for his assistant to start off again.  
  
"Josh, what's going on? What was all the yelling about in Sam's office? People are starting to talk."  
  
"I know," said Josh with a big sigh. "Look something has happened with Sam's family, he's upset, he was just venting a little that's all." He hoped that would satisfy her curiosity, he should have known better.  
  
"Josh what could have happened to make Sam go off like that? He rarely yells, and he certainly never yells at you."  
  
"Donna," he said in exasperation.  
  
"He's my friend too Josh." She said with a pout.  
  
"I know. It's just that I really shouldn't say anything. It's really personal and I don't think he would have even told me if I hadn't baited him."  
  
"I know he doesn't like people to know things about him Josh but there's already rumours flying around."  
  
"Yeah I guessed there would be. Understand that this can't go beyond the Senior Staff, Donna, and they'll only know if Sam tells them or if he wants them to know. I don't want the other assistants to know the details. Sam will tell them if he wants to. Just try and control the rumour mill please. Don't mention any details but put to rest anything awful that you hear, ok?"  
  
Donna nodded her head and Josh knew that he could trust her to help Sam. As she had said he was her friend too.  
  
"His mother called him this afternoon,"  
  
"Oh God is she ok? It's not his father is it?" Donna gasped, her hand flying to her mouth.  
  
"Yeah it's his father. But it's not what you think it is. Don't ask me how, Sam didn't have time to tell me, his mother some how found out that his father has had a mistress for 28 years."  
  
  
  
The next evening Josh was getting ready to go home. It had been a very long day. The usual fifteen things that needed to be done by the Deputy Chief of Staff had demanded his attention so he hadn't really had a chance to check up on Sam, see how he was doing. It was what he was planning to do now.  
  
Josh knew that his best friend wouldn't have left yet, Sam never usually left the office before eleven and Josh knew that he was unlikely to leave at all tonight, preferring to use work to get his mind off his problems. They all did it once in a while; Sam just seemed to do it more than most.  
  
He switched his lights off, for once Donna had left him to leave by himself, and made his way over to Communications taking a trip past Leo's office to drop off a file on Margaret's desk. Just as he was about to leave the assistant's area he heard a voice call out from Leo's office.  
  
"Josh is that you?" It was uncanny how Leo managed to tell who was outside his office without even hearing a voice.  
  
"How'd you know it was me?" he asked going into his boss's office.  
  
"Well it was either you, Sam or one of the ghosts and they're not likely to come in here. You and Sam are the only ones left in the West Wing who are doing any work and seeing as Sam has hardly come out of his office all day and has no reason to come in here I deduced that it would be you." The explanation was somewhat long winded and Josh became lost about halfway through.  
  
"Jeez, Leo, you need to get some rest, you're starting to sound like the President!" Leo just snorted and motioned for Josh to sit down.  
  
"Well, just for that remark I've decided to make Friday Big Block of Cheese Day." The Chief of Staff said with a sadistic grin on his face.  
  
"Oh C'mon! Leo you can't! We already had one of those!" Josh whined.  
  
"That was last year Joshua and I think it's high time we had another one. I feel the need to recite the speech."  
  
"You know you don't have to make it Big Block of Cheese Day to say the speech. You could just stand here in your office when we've all gone home and recite it to yourself. It would make you feel better and it would certainly save all of us some pain."  
  
"If you're not careful Joshua Lyman, you'll end up on my list. Sam's still on there from the last one and I'm planning on finding him a wonderful assignment this time around."  
  
Josh's face fell. He really wished Leo wouldn't joke about making Sam's life miserable. Sam really didn't need anything extra right now.  
  
"Leo, here's the thing," he started, wondering just how to explain what was going on to his boss. "Could you like, you know, leave Sam out of the Cheese Day stuff this time around?"  
  
"Why would I want to do that? Or has this got something to do with the rumour that I heard going around today that Sam practically beat you up in his office yesterday morning?"  
  
"Yeah it does, and he didn't beat me up. It's just he got some bad news and he's under a lot of pressure already with these pardons and I just don't think he needs some idiot coming to him asking to listen for hours on end about some inane topic that really would be a waste of his time." The words came pouring out in one big rush. Josh figured the quicker he said them the easier it would be to get Leo to listen to him.  
  
"We all get bad news Josh, that doesn't excuse us from Big Block of Cheese Day, if I let Sam off this time around, can you imagine the amount of people coming to me next time wanting to be excused. I'm sorry Josh. No getting out of gym class for Sam."  
  
"Please Leo, you didn't see him the other day. I've known him a long time now and I've never seen him like he has been these past couple of days." He could see that he was going to have to give Leo more of an explanation than that. Leo wasn't one to let things go lightly but he wasn't an uncaring man and Josh felt sure that once he knew a little bit about the situation then Leo would understand.  
  
"Leo he just found out that his father has been having an affair. His mother is devastated, Sam's in shock. He doesn't need to handle Big Block of Cheese this week."  
  
Leo looked at Josh, with a serious expression.  
  
"When did he find out?"  
  
"The other morning. That's what the rumours are about. His mother called him and told him, he didn't take it very well."  
  
"I can imagine." Leo said, leaning back in his chair. "Ok, I'll leave him out of this one. You're right he's got enough work to do with the pardons right now. He needs to get them done by then end of the week anyway. Just make sure that you're prepared Joshua, I'm going to ask Margaret to find something extra special for you this time."  
  
Josh took that as his cue to leave. Standing up he gathered his briefcase and moved toward the door.  
  
"Josh," Leo said just as he was leaving. "Don't let the grapevine get too out of hand on this one."  
  
"It's already taken care of Leo. I set Donna on it." He replied with a sad smile.  
  
"Ok then," the Chief of Staff chuckled. "I see you've left it in safe hands."  
  
  
  
The next morning didn't bring Josh any more chances to talk to Sam than the day before. Donna had told him when she came in that she had managed to take care of the more rampant rumours that were running around the West Wing, which came as something of a relief to Josh.  
  
He had no idea if Sam had told any of the other senior staff yet, it certainly didn't seem like it. As far as he knew, Leo was the only one that knew even a little bit of the story and Josh hadn't told him much of it. If he knew Sam at all he could bet that his friend would attempt to get away without telling anyone else on the staff.  
  
Unfortunately, Sam wasn't going to get his wish. Josh was startled from his morning contemplation of his messages by his door slamming against the wall.  
  
"Would you like to shed any light on the reason why I found my deputy asleep on the couch in my office this morning?"  
  
Josh had to wait a moment for the surprise of Toby's outburst to wear off before he could attempt an answer. He didn't even get as far as uttering his first word.  
  
"I mean it's good that he's so dedicated to his work," Toby continued sarcastically, waving his hands in the air, "But I really don't like him giving me a heart attack by having to find him asleep on my couch!"  
  
Josh could only look on in bewilderment as the Communications Director paced around his office.  
  
"I mean it's not something that I expect when I walk into my office. To turn around from my desk and find Sam blissfully asleep on my couch!" Josh had to duck quickly as a little pink rubber ball came flying out of no where, straight at his head.  
  
"Something's been going on with him this week and I don't like it. He's been agreeing with everything I say, not putting up a fight when I tell him to cut something. What's going on? Why was he sleeping in my office, Josh? He doesn't seem to want to tell me. You must know."  
  
"Um, well, yeah." Josh fumbled for his words; he really didn't want to have to explain this to Toby. "Why don't you shut the door?"  
  
  
  
Josh knew that Sam was not going to be happy with him but there was no other way to get around Toby. Josh had to tell him the whole story; he couldn't get away with the abridged version that he'd given Leo.  
  
"Look Toby, Leo's agreed to leave him out of the Cheese Day meetings, God knows Sam doesn't need that this week. Please can you go easy on him? He's going to work himself into the ground as it is." Josh pleaded.  
  
"Yeah. Ya know this is not what we need right now?" Toby said, getting up from the chair in front of Josh's desk. "I need Sam to be focused on what we're doing."  
  
"Hey, c'mon. You know that's not fair Toby." Josh said reproachfully. "He's always been committed to this and he's not going to let this stop him. Yeah he might be withdrawn for a while but he's not going to let it interfere with his work. That's not the kind of guy Sam is."  
  
Toby didn't look all that convinced by Josh's confidence in Sam.  
  
"Toby he's upset, his family's falling apart and he's still here. He could be asking you for the time so he could go straight out to California right now but he's not. He's still here working away in his office." Josh really wanted to drive home his point so he added, "He'll weather this storm just like the others, or do I need to remind you of Lisa?"  
  
Toby shook his head and scrubbed his hands over his face.  
  
"No you don't need to remind me of Lisa, Josh but must I remind you that he didn't exactly handle that well at the beginning?" The Communications Director said waving his hands in front of him. After a few more paces he seemed to come to some sort of internal decision. "Fine, I'll leave him alone. It's probably in my best interests anyway. Who knows what crap he'll come out with in the state he's in."  
  
Toby opened the door and muttered a "See ya later" and left.  
  
Josh sighed.  
  
'Well that's one more person out of the way. Hopefully there won't be any more' he thought to himself as he got back to work.  
  
  
  
That afternoon Josh was sat working at his desk, quietly. That was unusual in itself. What made the day even more strange was when Donna walked in carrying a mug of coffee, which she set down on the desk in front of him.  
  
That set Josh's radar off. Donna never brought him coffee, well only if she wanted something or if he'd stumbled into the office semi-drunk, smelling of garbage and with a killer headache. Even then it was cold, day-old coffee. Or if he was about to get fired. He was certain neither of those last two were going to be happening today so that left him with the fact that she wanted something.  
  
"Can I help you with something?" He asked sweetly, looking up from the stack of files decorating his work area. Donna was looking nervous, her long fingers fiddling with the hem of her sweater.  
  
"No, no, I just thought you might like some coffee." She answered, lingering around the doorway.  
  
"Yeah. Right. What do you want Donna?"  
  
"Why should I want something?" She demanded.  
  
"Well where shall I start?" Josh said, throwing his pen onto the desk in front of him. "Firstly there's the coffee. You only bring me coffee when you want something. Secondly there's the fact that you're stood at my door looking like a school girl that's just been sent to the Principal's office for an unknown reason."  
  
"Ok, ok!" Donna caved. She moved closer to the desk, moving some files off one of the guest chairs she at down.  
  
"I have this friend,"  
  
"Ah! I don't want to hear about your sex-life Donatella!"  
  
"Josh! It's not that sort of friend." She exclaimed, leaping up from the chair. "I have a friend, she's asked me if I could talk to Sam about the Pardons."  
  
"Why would a friend want you to talk to Sam about the Presidential Pardons?" Josh was genuinely intrigued.  
  
"Well her Grandfather was accused of treason and convicted in the 50's and her father has been trying to prove his innocence and she thinks that maybe Sam could get her grandfather pardoned." It all came out in one long spiel, as if she was in a rush to expel the words from her body because she was afraid they might get stuck.  
  
"Ok that made only the slightest bit of sense. Let me see if I got this straight? Your friend's grandfather was convicted in the 50's and her father now wants him pardoned? How am I doing?" He watched as Donna nodded. "Ok so who was the Grandfather?"  
  
"His name was Daniel Gault."  
  
"Whoa! Daniel Gault, that's serious business there Donna."  
  
"I know. That's why I want you to go and talk to Sam for me, see if he'll agree to talk to Stephanie."  
  
"You want me to go and ask him? Why can't you do it yourself?"  
  
"Please Josh?" Donna said in her most pathetic of voices. The one guaranteed to get her way.  
  
Josh sighed and rubbed his hands over his face. This was not really the time to be asking for favours from Sam.  
  
"You know you've left this kinda late Donna. Sam wants to have all the recommendations done by tomorrow evening. Why didn't you say anything about it before?"  
  
"Well I was going to ask him on Monday but then that stuff with Senator James came up and I didn't get a chance to go and see him and then Tuesday was certainly not a good day for it, unless I wanted to get my head bitten off. I just didn't want to bother him the last couple of days. Besides it won't seem like so much of a big deal if you ask him for me."  
  
Josh didn't think he could take all that much more of Donna's pleading, so gave in. He did have work of his own to be getting on with and knowing his assistant as he did there wasn't much chance of that happening if he didn't do as she asked.  
  
"Fine. I'm not promising anything though. I, personally, wouldn't do it this late in the game but we're talking about Sam here, not me and we both know he's a sucker for a sob story."  
  
"Thank you Josh. This really means a lot to me." She was giving him the really grateful look, the one that really bugged Josh.  
  
"Yeah, yeah. Remember, no promises." He picked up his pen and began looking at the papers in front of him again. After a few moments he noticed that Donna was still sitting opposite him.  
  
"Don't you have anything to do?" He asked her pointedly.  
  
"Oh, yes. Sorry, I'll just go back out to, you know, my desk."  
  
"Yes, why don't you do that?" Josh asked, staring at her in bewilderment as she got up, reached across the desk and picked up the full cup of coffee that she had brought in with her.  
  
"Hey!" Josh exclaimed. "You brought that for me!"  
  
"Well, no, I didn't really." Donna had the good grace to look slightly sheepish. "I just thought you might be more receptive if you thought I was willing to do something for you."  
  
"Well I am doing something for you so you can leave the coffee!"  
  
"I could, but you wouldn't like it. It's got heaps of cream and sugar in it." Donna replied as she scurried out the door. Josh just let his head flop down onto the desktop.  
  
"No Promises Donna!" His shout was slightly muffled by the desk but she heard it as she closed the door.  
  
  
  
That evening Josh made his way through the bullpen to Sam's office wondering what sort of mood his friend would be in. Knowing Sam as he did, it was unlikely to be a jovial one. More likely tired and depressed, the anger having long gone.  
  
The door, as usual, was open when he got there and Josh took a moment to observe his friend. He looked tired even from where Josh stood but other wise not too bad. Sam always managed to immerse himself in his work, his concentration powers doubling when there was something that he wanted to avoid thinking about. It was a quality that had always amazed Josh, when things got rough Sam could always be found giving twice the amount of effort than usual.  
  
Knocking softly on the door to announce his presence Josh walked slowly into the small office. For a change Sam didn't have all the lights on, just the small desk lamp casting it's glow over the papers and the all the blinds were closed to the bullpen and Toby's office. Getting closer to his friend, Josh could see the dark circles under his eyes, the pallor of his skin made worse in contrast by the yellow of the light. Maybe he wasn't handling this as well as Josh had first thought.  
  
Sam looked up as Josh got to the desk, apparently he hadn't heard the earlier knock as he seemed somewhat surprised to see him.  
  
"Hey Josh." Sam said softly. The late night quiet of the West Wing permeating their very voices, making loud speech seem irreverent to the normal hustle and bustle of the offices.  
  
"Hey Buddy," Josh replied looking over the desk at what Sam was working on. "How are the recommendations coming?" It was the least lame thing he could think of to say.  
  
Sam dropped his pen to the desk and sat back in his chair, rubbing his eyes with is hands, sighing.  
  
"They're almost done now I think. I should have the list finished tonight."  
  
That made Josh feel somewhat guilty about what he was going to ask Sam to do. At this very point in time Donna was way down on his list of favourite people for making him do this.  
  
"Anything interesting on there?" Josh asked mildly, trying to build himself up a bit.  
  
"Huh!" it was more of a sharp exhalation of air but the small smile on Sam's face suggested it could have been a chuckle.  
  
"Yeah, there's been a couple of good ones in here." Josh enjoyed seeing some of the shadows lift from his friend's face, if only for a few moments. "There's this one guy, he goes on holiday to Spain. You know the type typical tourist just wants to see the sights. Anyway, he's been all around Spain, Seville, Granada, Barcelona and his last stop before he comes home is in Madrid."  
  
Josh could see the mischievous glint in Sam's eyes. He was truly enjoying telling this tale.  
  
"So this guy is at Barajas airport, waiting to catch his flight home when someone asks him if he could just look after their bag for a minute while they go to the bathroom. While he's waiting for the guy to get back all of a sudden the Civil Guard race in and arrest him. Little does he know that while he's been occupied with the smoker someone has put a kilo of cocaine in his bag."  
  
Sam was truly laughing at this point. The story didn't seem all that funny to Josh but thinking about it Sam probably just needed the release. He was in a laugh or cry situation and Josh figured at this point that Sam would rather laugh than cry.  
  
"So as they're searching him they come across this little package that has been planted on him and arrest him for trying to smuggle drugs out of the country. He denies everything of course saying he has no idea how it got into his bag  
  
"You're right about that one." Sam smiled. It made Josh feel a little better knowing that his friend was a little less depressed than he had been earlier. He made a mental note to try and make Sam laugh a little more in the next few days just to bring him out into the light if only for a few moments.  
  
"Anyway the guy was tried and convicted but he was too stupid to have even contemplated organising a robbery like that. So he's going on the list." Sam rested his elbows on the desk and was about to put his glasses back on when he said, "Hey, did you want to ask me something?"  
  
Josh must have looked like a deer caught in the headlights from the quizzical gaze that Sam turned on him.  
  
"Nah, not really." He replied trying to evade the question. Sam had just about finished now and was obviously in a slightly lighter mood and Josh didn't want to be the one to bring him back down by dumping Donna's favour on him. He needed to think of another reason quickly before Sam got suspicious.  
  
Too late. The quizzical gaze became a suspicious one.  
  
"Yeah right Josh. You've got that guilty look on your face again that suggests to me that you are up to something."  
  
Just as Josh was going to make up some stupid excuse, Sam called out through the open door.  
  
"Toby!" Josh turned to see the Communications Director out in the bullpen placing something on Bonnie's desk, walk over to his deputy's office. He was wearing his coat and carrying his briefcase, ready to leave for the night.  
  
"Yeah?" He asked quickly when he got inside. "Why are you still here? I thought I told you that you were supposed to go home early tonight?" Toby said it quite gruffly but Josh could hear the concern permeating his voice. As much as Toby liked to pretend to the rest of the staff that he was indifferent to Sam, Josh knew that the older man cared about his deputy and even went so far as too look on him as a little brother.  
  
Sam had proven his worth to Toby time and again and although he'd made his mistakes in the time that they had been working together, Josh knew that Toby wouldn't want to be working with anyone else, bad punctuation or not.  
  
"Ah, yeah I'm going to go home very soon." Sam muttered guiltily. Josh didn't know what had gone on between the two but it looked as if Toby had taken him aside and had a bit of a chat with Sam about his sleeping habits.  
  
"I just have to finish off a couple of things and then I'm gone."  
  
"Yeah, you better. I don't want to find out you've been sleeping on my couch again." Setting Sam with a penetrating glare. "What did you want me for?"  
  
"Oh um it was just to let you know that I should be free to go over the thing for next week by tomorrow afternoon."  
  
"Good." Toby then turned his attention to Josh. "What are you doing in here? He asked pointedly. "You better not be distracting him? I want him to finish whatever it is he's doing as quickly as he can so he can go home sooner."  
  
"I'm not distracting him!" Josh defended weakly. "I was just here to tell him to keep tomorrow night free. I'm planning on taking him out and getting him extremely drunk." He heard Sam chuckle quietly from his desk. "He'll have no choice then but to sleep in his own bed cause that's where I plan on putting him and then most likely I will collapse in his spare room."  
  
"Great. That's just what we need. The two of you running around the city, blind drunk, trying to find his apartment. Of course it will take Sam longer to get to the blind drunken stage than you Josh. You'll be there after about 2 beers."  
  
"Hey!" Josh protested.  
  
"He's probably right Josh." Sam agreed.  
  
"I am right," Toby insisted. "With just the two of you out it'll end up with Sam being the one collapsing on your couch." He pointed at Josh.  
  
"Ok Fine! Why don't you come with us then, Dad" Josh drawled out the last word to have the maximum effect of annoyance.  
  
"I thought you'd never ask. See you guys tomorrow and please remember to go home tonight Sam?" With those parting words Toby turned around and left the office, leaving Josh with a shocked look on his face and Sam chuckling.  
  
"How did that just happen?"  
  
"Hey, don't look at me. It was your plan. I'm just the innocent pawn in this equation."  
  
"So what do you say? You up for a getting seriously drunk tomorrow."  
  
Sam just smiled and Josh could tell from his eyes that his friend was grateful for the offer.  
  
"Thanks Josh." Josh smiled back and started to leave. On his way out he turned back and said to Sam, "You are going to go home soon right?"  
  
"Yes! I'm going home soon Josh. Now will you leave me alone so I can finish this and get out of here quicker?"  
  
"Yeah, right. See you tomorrow."  
  
As Josh was walking back to his office he heard the phone start to ring in Sam's office and wondered who on earth would be ringing at now.  
  
  
  
Josh was not looking forward to the coming day. He hated Cheese Day and he knew that Leo was going to have found him the worst possible assignment he could find. Josh was sure that his boss was taken over by some sadistic alien whenever he felt the need to subject his employees to his ridiculous crusade to keep the spirit of Andrew Jackson alive.  
  
Josh was also not looking forward to telling Donna that he hadn't had the heart to ask Sam about talking to Stephanie Gault. He was going to try and avoid the subject as long as possible.  
  
Which was about two minutes after he walked in the door to his office.  
  
"So can I tell Stephanie what time she can meet with Sam?"  
  
All Josh could do was sigh. He had hoped to at least get his coat off and sit down before she started on at him.  
  
"Good Morning Josh. Did you have a good evening? Yes thanks Donna. How are you this morning? I'm fine thank you Josh, would you like a cup of coffee? Here are your messages. I'm going to be at my desk if you need anything." Josh said to himself as he took off his coat and opened his backpack, removing several files and placing them on various piles around his office.  
  
"You know they say that's the first sign of madness, Josh?"  
  
"What is?" he asked her, not really at all interested, just trying to divert her for a little bit longer so he could gather the courage to tell her.  
  
"Talking to yourself and don't change the subject. Did you talk to him?"  
  
"No Donna. I didn't talk to him about it. He finished the list last night, it's too late now to add anything else on to it."  
  
There he'd said it. He'd told her in no uncertain terms that it wasn't going to happen.  
  
"But Ginger told me that the list doesn't have to be ready until Monday." She was doing the pouting thing again. He hated the pouting thing.  
  
"Ya know, Sam does have other things to do Donna. As do I, so if you don't mind, I'd like to, you know, get on with them?"  
  
"It wouldn't take him long Josh. All he has to do is talk to Stephanie, look at the file and then put it on the list."  
  
"Donna I don't think you fully appreciate the situation here. First of all it takes a lot more than just meeting someone and looking at a file. Sam has put a lot of work into these recommendations, it takes a lot more than a day to decide, especially in a case like Daniel Gault. There's all this legal stuff that needs to be looked at."  
  
"Legal Stuff?" Donna smirked.  
  
"Yes," Josh glared at her. "Second of all I am not going to be the one to dump this on Sam, OK. Do your own dirty work Donna, don't make me kick him while he's down by off loading more work onto him. He's stressed out enough as it is."  
  
"But what am I going to tell Stephanie? She's coming here this morning expecting to see him!" Now she was whining and it was beginning to get on Josh's nerves.  
  
"Donna I don't care! I don't. Just sort it out yourself ok? Now can I have my messages so I can do some work before Leo finds the worst Cheese Day assignment for me that will waste the rest of my day?"  
  
Donna had the good grace to look slightly contrite and handed over the little pink slips of paper.  
  
"Thank you." As she turned and left Leo walked into his office, carrying a mug of coffee.  
  
"Good Morning Joshua. You seem to be in a lovely mood this fine day, are you looking forward to your meeting today? Perhaps I should say meetings?"  
  
Josh took one look at the Chief of Staff's face and groaned. He folded his arms on his desk and dropped his head hard onto them.  
  
"Ok tell me, what hell have you decided to put me through today?" came his muffled voice from the midst of his cocoon.  
  
"Josh, Josh, Josh. Why do you look at this day as if it is a curse? Think of it as an opportunity to really get in there and help the people." Josh lifted his head from his arms and saw that Leo was grinning.  
  
"You're really enjoying my pain aren't you?"  
  
"Would I Josh"  
  
"Yeah, ya really would. Ok c'mon, tell me what you've planned for me today." "Well I have decided that today you will be in charge of supervising the meetings."  
  
Josh was surprised. He thought that Leo was going to give him the worst meeting he could find. Instead he was being allowed to dish out the assignments. Maybe Leo wasn't such a sadist after all.  
  
"You'll be going and sitting in on as many of the meetings as you possibly can. I want full reports on them as well."  
  
Then again, maybe he was.  
  
"You mean instead of having to listen to one idiot ramble on I'm going to have to listen to a whole load?" Josh asked in despair.  
  
"Now, Josh, what have I told you about speaking of the American public like that?"  
  
"Fine, fine," Josh caved in. "I'll do it but could you at least find Donna something really horrible to do? "  
  
"What has she done now?" Leo understood the problems Josh experienced with his assistant. After all he suffered the same at the hands of Margaret. He wouldn't change her for anything though.  
  
"She's been trying to get me to talk Sam into meeting some friend of hers that wants her grandfather added to the list of pardon recommendations."  
  
"I wouldn't do that if I were you."  
  
"Don't worry I haven't said anything to him."  
  
"Ya know he slept here last night?"  
  
"He did? Damn it he promised me that he was going home last night."  
  
"Well seeing as I found him asleep on Toby's couch at 6:20 this morning, I'm guessing that he didn't take that promise as seriously as you did." Leo said solemnly. "I tried to get him to take the day off but he refused. Said all he needed was a clean shirt."  
  
"Sounds like Sam." Josh shook his head. He still couldn't believe that Sam had spent another night in the office.  
  
"I tried to talk to him about what's going on with his parents. You didn't tell me that his father had been seeing the same woman for 28 years Josh!" the Chief of Staff admonished. "There I was trying to tell him that it happens to a lot of family's, using my father as an example when he comes right out with it. 28 Years, that's a long time to be living another life."  
  
Josh could only nod.  
  
"I think you need to talk to him Josh. He's been sleeping here since Tuesday night and he looks real bad this morning."  
  
"I know. Toby and I are going to take him out tonight, get him drunk and make sure he sleeps in his own bed. Hopefully tomorrow he'll feel like talking."  
  
"Ok, just make sure that I don't see you three on the morning news after some drunken rampage." Leo pointed out as he walked out of the office to the coffee-pot, refilling his mug. At that point Margaret raced by handing a note to Leo and reminding him of the time.  
  
"Come along Josh. It's time for Cheese Day."  
  
"Ya know it's a good speech."  
  
"The Andrew Jackson speech?"  
  
"Yeah, and it gets better every year."  
  
As they walked along the corridor to the Roosevelt Room Josh could see that there was no way he could dissuade his boss from reciting the Cheese speech.  
  
He was thankful for the numerous interruptions that occurred during the meeting, especially Toby's little interlude about the protesters. That and Donna's leaving to meet Stephanie. He had to wonder what she was going to day to her friend.  
  
  
  
Josh had just enough time after the initial Cheese Day gathering had finished to go down to the mess and grab a cup of coffee and a Danish before he had to go to his first meeting.  
  
He was surprised, however, when he saw Sam, Donna and another woman, who he assumed to be Stephanie Gault, sat at a table drinking coffee. Josh didn't know whether he was angry or pleased with his assistant for finally plucking up the courage to ask Sam herself. Sam even looked a little less exhausted, maybe it was having something new to crusade for, then again maybe it was the extra strength coffee they tended to serve to the senior staffers in the mess.  
  
When it looked as if Sam was winding up the conversation, Josh stood up and walked over to their table. He planned on walking out with his friend, just to check up on him, see how he was doing.  
  
As they walked out of the Mess, after thanking Sam for taking on the Gault thing, the silence fell heavy between them. Josh didn't know of any other way of lightening the tension hanging in the air other than to try and make Sam laugh. Of course he should have figured that the only information he had in his mind at the time would be something that Sam already knew. That whatever he said about the pardons would just serve to annoy him rather than cheer him up.  
  
It surprised Josh when, out of the blue, Sam asked if he could set up a meeting with his friend at the FBI. Josh had never really thought that Sam's research went that far but when he really looked at it, the type of case involved, of course it would require Sam to be talking to all the interested parties.  
  
As Sam turned to leave, Josh realised that he hadn't had a chance to get a good look at him. Assessing him now something looked out of place. Josh couldn't quite put his finger on it, there didn't seem to be anything really about Sam, well certainly nothing that good night's sleep wouldn't cure.  
  
That was it.  
  
It was his shirt. It must have been either brand new or close to it. It seemed so pressed and clean compared to the dark shadows clinging to the rest of him. It looked odd, wrong. It strengthened Josh's resolve to give his friend some support this weekend, to chase away that darkness, make Sam look his usual poised and pressed self again.  
  
  
  
Josh's day consisted of some extremely bizarre meetings. Possibly the worst had to be CJ's meeting with the cartographers. Those people were seriously nuts. He really felt like grabbing them and shaking them all the while shouting, "It's a Map! No one cares!!", but he managed to keep himself restrained, just barely, keeping it to a low giggle.  
  
Then of course there was what Toby called "The Tourists". It looked like he'd got to that meeting just in time, although he didn't really appreciate having to fight his way through the crowd. What was it about environmentalism that meant you weren't allowed to wash? Surely you didn't have to go to such extremes to conserve water?  
  
Toby was on top form though. Josh rarely got a chance to see the Communications Director in full action so Josh was delighted when he got up there on that stage and really let himself loose on their questions. Even got in a few good shots himself, made them think about what they really stood for.  
  
Then of course there was the banana incident.  
  
They'd wrapped up the meeting amicably, intending to make a quick exit. They hadn't, however, anticipated that some of the protestors were not quite finished. When they tried to leave missiles started being thrown at the stage. Nothing very damaging, pieces of balled up paper, bits of candy, fruit. Just as Josh was getting clear he felt something strike him on the forehead.  
  
It was soft and sticky and all Josh could do was stand there stunned until he was shoved back stage by Toby. Getting over the initial shock of having been hit, Josh started to chuckle. Then he was laughing uncontrollably. It was the perfect end to one of the weirdest days he'd ever had.  
  
For a moment Toby had stood there looking at him in concern, until the laughter had started and the crotchety Communications Director had snorted derisively and brushed past the near hysterical Josh.  
  
So it wasn't until later that evening that Josh had a chance to see Sam again. As they were entering the Communications Bull Pen, they ran into Stephanie as she came rushing past, smiling and rapidly muttering something about great news and that she had to go and call her father.  
  
Josh took that to be a good sign. If Stephanie were happy then that would suggest that Sam had found a way to get her grandfather onto the pardons list. In turn, that would be good news for Sam's state of mind, it would make him feel like he'd had one victory this week.  
  
As he turned the corner into Sam's office, however, the picture he saw presented an entirely different story.  
  
Sam was looking desolate as Donna hugged him. The look of complete sadness on his face was worse now than Josh had seen it all week, he could see the tears glistening on those long, dark eyelashes.  
  
He was about to step in when Sam spoke.  
  
"It's just there's some things that you're certain of, like longitude and latitude."  
  
"Sam, I don't know if this is the best time to tell you but according to CJ I wouldn't be so sure about longitude and latitude."  
  
Josh had never heard that quality in his assistant's voice before. It was so soft and comforting yet with the tiniest edge of humour. He saw the effect it had on Sam as well. It made him laugh, broke the tension that seemed to exist between the two. As he pulled away from Donna, Josh decided that it was time for him to make himself known. He also decided not to break the current mood by asking what went on with the Gault thing. He'd leave that until later, much later.  
  
So he went straight in there, telling them about his afternoon with Toby, hoping to keep that small smile on Sam's face that little bit longer. He wasn't so sure when Donna invited herself along to their little sojourn to the bar but Sam didn't object. He got the feeling that there was a whole lot that he'd missed during the day and planned to drag it all out of Donna when he had the chance.  
  
Josh was surprised when Sam said that he'd meet them at the bar. He looked into his friend's face and for the first time in days he saw a sort of resolute determination there. Sam needed a few minutes alone to gather his thoughts before facing his friends again and Josh was willing to let him have that time, he could explain to the others.  
  
So as he left his friend's office and looked back at the closed door he saw Sam pick up the phone on his desk. Josh knew whom he was calling and was glad of it. It troubled him to see someone at odds with their father, especially considering how close Sam had been to his father before all this happened. Josh knew the pain of leaving issues unresolved, he'd had enough of them with his own dad, he just never got a chance to talk most of them through before he died.  
  
Turning around he caught up to Donna and Toby as they were leaving the West Wing.  
  
"Hey! Where's Sam? I can't stay for that long. I promised Stephanie that we'd have dinner together," said Donna as she acknowledged his presence behind her as they walked down the street.  
  
"He just needs a couple of minutes. He said he's going to meet us there."  
  
"Oh. I hope he's ok, he's not really had a very good day today." Donna sounded somewhat guilty about that fact, it made Josh more determined to find out what went on.  
  
"He's not had a good week Donna. I am interested to hear you say that he's had a bad day though, from the look on Stephanie's face it would seem like Sam had pretty good news for her."  
  
Donna's face fell. She looked very sad.  
  
"Yeah well unfortunately appearances are deceiving in this case Josh."  
  
"What happened Donna?" the gruff question took Josh by surprise. He'd almost forgotten that Toby was walking with them, he'd been so focused on Donna.  
  
"Ok well when Steph got here this morning I tried to tell her that I couldn't get her in to see Sam but then she told me that her father is dying and I just couldn't let her down like that so I told her I could get her in and that she should tell Sam what she told me about Sam being the guy to go to about this that he has the ear of the President when it comes to matters like this." It came out in one long, rapid rush.  
  
"My God, that was almost as bad as reading one of Sam's first drafts." Toby muttered just loudly enough for Josh to hear.  
  
Trying to hide his snigger, Josh took a deep breath.  
  
"Ok Donna, I think I got about two words out of all of that. I don't suppose you'd like to try again? This time try it at half the speed. Oh and I'd also recommend breathing occasionally!"  
  
"Sorry." Donna looked slightly sheepish as she recounted her tale, much slower this time. When she'd finished Josh could only look at her dumbly. He couldn't help but think that this was such a perfectly horrible ending to a horrible week for Sam.  
  
"How could you do that to him Donna?!" Josh exclaimed as they reached the bar's entrance.  
  
"I know. It was horrible. I just wasn't thinking, I owe Stephanie a lot. I just wanted to help her out."  
  
"At Sam's expense? You know what he's like! He hates people sucking up to him." Josh shook his head and pushed open the bar door. After all the time that Donna had spent with Sam over the years he couldn't believe that she, even for a minute, would contemplate that he would be impressed by something like that.  
  
Josh had never known Sam to be susceptible to appeals to his ego. In fact, most of the time he found it abhorrent that someone would try and remind him of his status in the West Wing just to get a favour. From the way Donna had explained it, he'd taken it even worse today. Then again that may have had something to do with the fact that the direction had come from Donna, someone he'd never have thought would try and use that tactic on him.  
  
He went to the bar and ordered the round while Donna and Toby went to find a semi-quite table. As he went to sit down he guessed from the look on his assistant's face that Toby was giving her a piece of his mind.  
  
Josh had been quite concerned about Toby when he'd first brought Sam in on the campaign. The man practically ignored his young friend for the first two weeks he was there. Josh had worried about subjecting Sam to the crotchety speechwriter for the rest of the campaign, questioning his decision about bringing him in on the whole thing.  
  
He'd over heard one of Toby's rants to Leo one day about the fact that he was there to help with a presidential campaign, not baby-sit an inexperienced pretty-boy. Some kid who, as far as he could tell hadn't written a word since he got there and was a useless waste of space just there to show that Bartlet for America embraced the nation's youth.  
  
Silence had reigned for a few moments after Toby had finished and Josh could just imagine the look on Leo's face at that point, the one that's enough to make even hard-nosed republicans quiver like a bowl of jello. There was then the sound of a folder hitting a desk.  
  
"Read through that Toby." Leo had said.  
  
"Why, what is it?"  
  
"Just read it and then tell me that he's a 'useless waste of space'." Josh guessed it must be the file of Sam's work that he'd given Leo when he was trying to convince him to get him for the campaign. Some of Sam's best writing was contained in that file. It's what convinced Leo to hire him, even before he'd seen how Sam looked. That he was young and good looking was just an added bonus.  
  
Josh didn't hear very much from inside Leo's office from where he was sat at a nearby computer terminal for a while after that. All of a sudden the door opened and Toby marched out, bellowing at the top of his lungs.  
  
"SEABORN!! Get In here!" he yelled as he went into his office. Josh had noticed the grudging respect for Sam's abilities grow into a sort of brotherly affection from that day on. No matter what it looked like to other people those closest to the two communications experts could see their relationship went much deeper that it appeared.  
  
The concern and respect that Toby had for his deputy were showing as he spoke to Donna in the crowded bar.  
  
"He's my Deputy, Donna and I need him back on top form, I don't need you to go messing with his head. Am I understood?" Josh caught the threat as he approached the table.  
  
Donna just nodded in reply, feeling too guilty to comment further.  
  
"Look I'm sorry, Ok? I didn't know it was going to go so badly today. I thought it might even cheer him up to be able to help someone. I just hadn't expected him to take it to so much to heart." She was now looking truly miserable and Josh began to feel sorry for her. She was right, she wasn't to know that Gault had actually been guilty.  
  
"It's ok Donna." Josh sighed, wishing that Sam would hurry up and get there. He'd feel much better knowing that his friend had company and wasn't alone again.  
  
"Just next time listen to me when I tell you it's not a good idea to do something where Sam's concerned."  
  
"Yeah." She replied quietly. They sat in silence for a few moments waiting for their drinks to arrive.  
  
The waiter came over and handed the beers to Toby and Josh and gave Donna her vodka and coke. When he inquired who was the recipient of the Jack Daniels on ice Josh just pointed to the empty seat at the table.  
  
Josh had figured that Bourbon was the thing that Sam was going to need when he got there. It packed the most punch and served to take the edge off of a lot of emotions. He could move on to beer after that if he wanted.  
  
Josh had made sure that he was sat facing the door of the bar so he could see when Sam walked in. When he did arrive he looked somewhat lost as he scanned the bar for his friends. As soon as Josh spotted him he waved Sam over.  
  
"Hey." Sam said in greeting as he took his coat off and sat down  
  
Flopping bonelessly into the chair Sam looked down at the amber liquid sat in the tumbler in front of him. Picking it up he swirled the drink lightly in the glass before bringing it up to his mouth, throwing back his head and tossing all of it down his throat.  
  
The others just looked at him in amazement as he set the now empty glass back on the table.  
  
"Whoa. I really needed that, thanks guys." He stood up again. "What does everyone want to drink?" Josh and Toby just looked down at their mostly full glasses and shook their heads.  
  
"Uh, no thanks man. I'm good at the moment." Josh said, still amazed at the way Sam downed his bourbon. If that had been Josh, he'd have been on the floor all ready.  
  
"Donna?" Josh heard his friend ask softly.  
  
"No thanks Sam. I should get going. I'm meeting Stephanie for dinner."  
  
"Oh, ok. Thanks for coming anyway." Donna got up from her chair and grabbed her coat. Walking over to Sam she hugged him again but judging from the look that Josh could see on his face, this time he wasn't all that comfortable with it.  
  
"Donna I'm really sorry about before." He heard Sam mumble to her.  
  
"What for? I'm the one who should still be apologising. I had no right to tell Stephanie to do what she did."  
  
"No, it's ok. I understand. You just wanted to help her. I shouldn't have gone off at you the way that I did. It's just it's been a bad week and I wasn't thinking very clearly and.well you know." He looked down at the floor, seeming very lost again.  
  
Donna rubbed a hand up and down his arm, trying to provide a slight bit of comfort to her friend.  
  
"Listen, have a good evening Ok? Forget about today. I'll see you on Monday." She leaned over and kissed him on the cheek and then left the bar. Sam followed her with his eyes until she walked out the door.  
  
"You guys sure you don't want another?" Sam asked the other two men at the table.  
  
"I'm good" replied Josh.  
  
"No thanks." Was Toby's answer.  
  
"Ok then" Sam muttered and made his way through the crowd to the bar.  
  
  
  
Josh looked at the amassed set of glasses that cluttered their small table, quite certain that none of them belonged to him. At least he thought he was certain, the two bottles of beer that he knew he'd actually had seemed to be messing with his cognitive functions.  
  
Looking to his right he saw Toby sat in a chair, cigar in hand, looking into an empty glass. Maybe it had been Toby who was the source of the washing up in front of Josh.  
  
As if sensing his scrutiny, Toby looked up and caught Josh's eye and then tilted his head towards the other occupant of the table.  
  
Sam seemed to be staring into space; his eyes were red and glazed over suggesting that he'd consumed copious amounts of alcohol.  
  
So that's where those glasses had come from. As he looked at his friend, Josh was suddenly reminded of their original purpose in the bar. Well judging by the look on Sam's face, Josh and Toby had achieved their goal in getting Sam extremely drunk. Now all that was left to do was get him home to bed.  
  
Looking back to Toby, Josh nodded as the older man looked at him quizzically. Now was definitely the time to get out of the bar.  
  
"Hey Sam?" Toby asked his deputy, trying to get what little remained of his attention. It didn't seem to work, the younger man just continued to stare into his own drunken haze.  
  
"Sam, c'mon, it's time to go home." Toby tapped him on the arm as he stubbed out his cigar in the ashtray in front of him. Sam just turned his head and looked blearily at his boss.  
  
Josh just watched as Toby sighed and started to stand, signalling him to do the same, throwing some money onto the table. They'd covered most of the bar tab earlier but obviously for some reason Toby was feeling generous.  
  
Sam looked up at the noise of the chairs scraping against the floor. He still had a somewhat puzzled look on his tired features but managed to collate the information enough to work out that they were leaving the bar.  
  
With a little bit of help from Josh, Sam managed to get his coat on and make it out onto the sidewalk without falling down. It always amused Josh to see his friend drunk, most of the time he looked like he'd just walked out of a Marx Brothers' sketch.  
  
Sam had never been a noisy drunk, far from it. Most of the time he just sat in a corner and grinned at things. No what happened to Sam when he was drunk was oftentimes a great deal more comical but unfortunately tended, sometimes, to lead to injuries.  
  
Sam was well known around the West Wing for his lack of balance at the best of times. Instances of Sam's clumsiness were legendary, admittedly though not always his fault. The time he fell down the steps of Air Force One in front of the entire press corps was really due to an ear infection that had been aggravated by flying, but most of the others, such as tripping over various potted plants, were really due to the infamous Sam Seaborn lack of grace.  
  
No one was in a particularly sober state so driving back to Sam's place was not really an option. Josh kept a light grip on Sam's arm as Toby hailed the cab, something he managed to do fairly quickly. They managed to get Sam in the vehicle with the minimum of fuss, and damage, and soon they were on their way back to Sam's place.  
  
Throughout the trip back, Josh cast worried glances in his friend's direction. He knew that Sam was in no state to talk about his week tonight but Josh knew that if he couldn't get him to open up in the next day or two then Sam would just lock this away within himself and pretend that none of it hurt. It would fester for a while until Sam would explode with the pent up pressure of his emotions.  
  
Josh had seen it before, with Lisa. Sam had pretended as if everything was normal after the break up, as if the things she'd said hadn't hurt him, by the loss of the woman he was still convinced he should be marrying. He'd thrown himself into his work, more so than he had before. He hardly ever slept, barely stopped to eat anything other than the occasional cookie that he picked up with his coffee.  
  
It all came to a head at a campaign stop in New Orleans. The weather had been so hot and humid that they had all felt tired and sluggish. Toby had been on at Sam to get some changes into Bartlet's speech right before he was due to go on. When he didn't turn up or respond to calls on his cell phone, Josh had been sent to look for him. Retracing the steps between the stage and the small area that Sam and Toby had been given to work on the last minute changes, Josh had found his friend crumpled on the floor mid- way between the two points.  
  
Josh had been frantic, he'd noticed that Sam had been acting strange all day but just put it down to the heat and humidity affecting him like everyone else. He'd raised the call to Toby on his cell phone to get help and Mrs Bartlet was there almost immediately. The young speechwriter had made quite an impression on the Governor's wife, when she saw him lying on the floor, the shallow breathing and pale skin had worried her greatly.  
  
Sam had been taken to hospital suffering from a sever case of physical exhaustion, dehydration and malnutrition, brought on by overwork, lack of sleep and poor diet. Needless to say, when they discovered that he was going to be alright, Sam received a sever talking to from both the Governor and Mrs Bartlet, CJ, Toby and Josh himself about the severity of what happened and how he had better not let it happen again.  
  
It was after Josh had yelled at him about not ever wanting to find him collapsed on the floor, or indeed anywhere, again that Josh had managed to get him to talk about what was wrong. Sam had kept so much bottled up inside about how he missed Lisa but how, looking at it, he was never sure that he really loved her. How he felt guilty for stringing her along, however unconscious it might have been, and how he'd held her back from real happiness. All these doubts and insecurities had been floating around inside of him for so long but talking some of it through helped. He no longer worked himself to the point of exhaustion and went back to being the enthusiastic and cheerful Sam that they all loved.  
  
Josh was just so scared that it might happen again. He knew Sam didn't like to talk about his personal life but if it meant protecting his well being then Josh would drag it all out of him if he had to.  
  
When he looked at him again, Sam had closed his eyes and rested his head against the back of the seat. He looked so tired and worn, Josh was glad that they had some time this weekend to just stop and catch up on being human again. He knew that neither of them would give up the experience of working in the White House for anything but sometimes it was nice just to have some time to be Josh and Sam again, rather than Josh Lyman Deputy Chief of Staff and Sam Seaborn Deputy Communications Director.  
  
When they pulled up outside Sam's building, Toby paid the driver while Josh helped Sam out of the cab. Sam seemed conscious enough to work out that they were at his place and managed to fish his keys out of his pocket and open the front door. The ride up in the elevator to Sam's fourth floor suite was made in silence. As they got to the door to Sam's apartment, Josh couldn't help but notice the shake that had taken up residence in his friend's hand as he tried to get the key into the lock.  
  
"Hey Sam," Josh asked softly, noticing the querying glance that Toby sent his way, "You ok there, buddy?"  
  
"Yeah. All that alcohol is just starting to catch up on me, that's all." He said quietly, finally managing to open the door.  
  
Josh followed him inside, not bothering to check if Toby was behind him closing the door. Sam put his keys on the table beside the door and went to hang up his coat in the closet. It never ceased to amaze Josh, that no matter what state his friend was in, he could always be counted upon to be impeccably neat. There was mail on the mat, which Toby picked up and placed on the small table where Sam had left his keys.  
  
Josh had always liked Sam's apartment. It was one of eight luxury apartments in a building, situated in a fairly expensive part of the city. Unlike Josh's place, an old Georgetown house converted into apartments, this was in a modern building. Sam had decorated in an accordingly modern style but one that was unlikely to date.  
  
The grey carpet and the magnolia coloured walls helped to reflect the light brought in by the four enormous windows that ran along the two walls that made up the living room end of the apartment. There were four more identical windows in the adjacent main bedroom.  
  
Sam crossed over to the cream couch, sat down and closed his eyes. In the soft glow of the one small table lamp that he had turned on he looked even more exhausted now than he had before. Josh was just about to suggest that he go to bed when Toby beat him to it.  
  
"Sam, why don't you go to bed. You look like you could use it."  
  
Josh could see from the look on his face that Sam had almost forgotten that he and Toby were still in the room with him. He could also tell that Sam was going to now try and pretend that he wasn't tired or still quite drunk to play host to them.  
  
"Ah! Don't even think it." Said Toby, again pre-empting Josh as they both saw Sam about to get up off the couch. "Just go to bed. Josh and I can sort ourselves out."  
  
Sam still looked like he was going to protest, but one look at the concern on Toby's face quieted him.  
  
"Yeah ok. I'm beat. You'll be ok though? Help yourselves to anything from the kitchen. I don't think there's much in there though."  
  
"Quit worrying Sam. We'll be fine." Josh said as he ushered his friend across the room to his bedroom. Just as his hand was on the door, Sam stopped and turned back to Josh.  
  
"You're staying tonight?" He asked. Josh just nodded at him. Sam nodded back.  
  
"You know where everything is. The spare room is all made up and stuff." He gesticulated to the other door along the corridor.  
  
"Thanks for tonight, I really needed it. Night guys." Sam entered his room and Toby and Josh went back into the living room, sitting back down on the couch. Both were silent while they heard water running in the bathroom and the closing click of Sam's door.  
  
Josh was the first to break the silence.  
  
"Thank you for coming along tonight." He said to the older man sat on the opposite couch. "How much do I owe you for the drinks?"  
  
"Don't worry about it Josh. I'm just glad he's finally going get some sleep in his own bed. My couch will never be the same again!" Josh had to chuckle at that. No matter how much Toby pretended not to care, they both knew that it wasn't true. He'd made a mistake with the drop-in on the GDC speech and he knew it. Although Sam had forgiven him some time ago, Toby still felt the sting of Sam's anger, was still trying to make it up to his deputy.  
  
"I should go." Said Toby, getting up from the couch. Josh followed suit and the made their way to the door. "I don't want to see him in the office this weekend Josh. If I do then rest assured I will take out all my anger on you."  
  
"I am in no doubt whatsoever that you will Toby. Rest assured."  
  
"Good. I'm glad we've got that cleared up. Try and get him to talk to you if you're going to be staying here this weekend. I don't think any one us wants a repeat of New Orleans." Josh was glad that he wasn't the only who had been linking that incident to Sam's current emotional state. It made him feel relieved that he wasn't the only one who had noticed.  
  
"I'll try. You know what he's like though." Josh replied wearily. He was beginning to feel the alcohol catch up to him now.  
  
"Yeah. I'll see ya Monday Josh." Toby said as he quietly opened the door.  
  
"Thanks again Toby. I think it meant a lot to him that you were there tonight." The Communications Director just nodded again and made his way down the hall to the elevator.  
  
Josh closed and locked the door and went back to the living room to switch off the lights.  
  
Sam's spare room was a neat as the rest of the apartment and looked exactly the same as it had the last time that Josh had stayed in it. He even kept a spare set of clothes at Sam's place, just as Sam did at his. They'd stayed at each other's places so much over the past three years that it seemed impractical not to.  
  
When Josh had finished in the bathroom he crept across the hall and quietly opened the door to check on his friend. He nearly laughed at what he saw.  
  
Sam was lying curled up on his side one arm tucked up under his chin. The other was draped over Spencer. The fuzzy, amber coloured bear had been given to Sam by his six year old God Daughter as a birthday present last year. He normally lived on the chair by the bed though.  
  
When Josh had first seen the pride of place that Spencer had been given in Sam's apartment he'd teased the younger man to no end. Sam just ignored him though, saying that he was under strict instructions from little Beth that Spencer was to be well looked after and treated like a friend. Sam always took his duties very seriously.  
  
Looking at him now, Josh was glad that his friend had that small bit of comfort offered by the bear. Looking at him there Josh could see the little boy that Sam had been, the boy that had been betrayed 28 years ago by a father that needed more than that boy and his mother could offer.  
  
He watched as Sam shifted slightly, bringing the bear closer to him, tucking the soft, furry head under his chin.  
  
Closing the door as quietly as he had opened it, Josh made his way back to the spare room to get some much-needed sleep.  
  
  
  
Josh woke the next morning to the incessant beeping of his pager somewhere by his head. He really had no desire to open his eyes so instead just opted for fumbling about with his hand until he found the infernal machine and stopped its irritating shriek.  
  
Lying still for a moment, praying that he wasn't quite awake enough to know that he needed to actually read the message but knowing that there was no going back to sleep now.  
  
Rolling over onto his back he cracked open one eye and glanced at the display screen of his pager. Quickly reading the message from Leo, Josh noted the time on the little clock in the corner. It was 9:15 am.  
  
He couldn't believe he'd slept that late. Not since his three months recuperation (or rather incarceration as he liked to think of it in private) had he been allowed to sleep that late. It certainly felt good though.  
  
Dragging himself out of the comfortable bed, pulling on some sweats and making his way to Sam's living room, with a quick stop via the bathroom. He sat at the counter separating the lounge from the kitchen and picked up the cordless phone that resided there. Dialling Leo's number from instinct Josh closed his eyes and rested his head in his hand and waited for his boss to pick up the phone.  
  
"Hey Leo, it's me." Josh said by way of greeting.  
  
"Joshua. Good morning to you. You do realise that some of have been working for a good couple of hours now don't you? That some of us have actually been answering their phones." Came the terse, almost mocking gruffness that was Leo McGarry. "What'd you do? Unplug your phone?"  
  
"Huh?" Josh answered, still not quite awake enough to follow what the older man was saying.  
  
"Why didn't you pick up your phone?" He said it slowly, as if talking to a particularly stupid child.  
  
"Oh, yeah, right. I'm with ya now." Josh muttered. "Yeah, I'm not actually at home."  
  
"Please tell me that you haven't done your own spectacular impression of Sam here Josh. That you are not calling from some woman's apartment and last night is going to come back and haunt us all?" Leo's voice got louder and angrier as he spoke, Josh had to hold the phone away from his ear to protect his hearing.  
  
"No Leo. I stayed the night at Sam's so you can just calm yourself down there before you give yourself a coronary."  
  
"Well ok then." Came the rather contrite reply.  
  
"So what did you need so urgently that you had to wake me up? Is there something going on that you need us for?"  
  
"Nah, I just like to make you miserable. Stop you from wasting away such a beautiful day by sleeping in." the evil chuckle that the Chief of Staff's voice held was unmistakable. "And I needed to tell you that I've had Julian Amos put on your schedule for first thing Monday."  
  
"Oh c'mon Leo!" Josh nearly shouted down the phone, remembering at the last minute that Sam was still sleeping and that he'd like to keep his friend that way for a little while longer. If he thought about work he'd only end up back in the office, the place that Toby had specifically told him not to go this weekend.  
  
"You know we need him on our side if we've got even the slightest chance of getting the HMO reform bill through. I need you to sit down with him and see what he wants in return for helping us."  
  
Brushing a hand through his already dishevelled hair, Josh just sighed. There really were some aspects to this job that he hated at times.  
  
"Yeah, ok. Was there anything else you wanted or can I get on with my weekend like a normal person now?"  
  
"There's nothing normal about you Josh. And I don't mean that in a good way. How did last night go, with Sam?"  
  
Now that was a question that Josh wasn't all that sure he had a concrete answer to. He and Toby had been successful in achieving their goal to get Sam drunk and then get him to sleep in his own bed. Whether it did anything to ease some of the turmoil their friend was going through he couldn't be sure.  
  
"It went ok. We didn't get arrested or our faces in the papers, we got Sam drunk but he didn't fall down and damage himself and we also got him to sleep in his own bed. Which is where he still is now. So all in all it was pretty successful."  
  
"Good. You know you don't have to come in this weekend right?" Josh translated that as an order from Leo to stay with Sam.  
  
"Yeah. Thanks Leo."  
  
"Ah! Don't thank me. I need him back on top form as soon as possible. So does the President."  
  
"Yeah. See you Monday Leo." Josh replied, hanging up the phone. A rumbling from his stomach alerted Josh to the fact that he hadn't eaten for quite some time and he decided to see what Sam had in his cupboards.  
  
He wasn't surprised in the least when he found that Sam had very little in the way of edible food in his kitchen. Most of the Senior Staff had found that they spent very little time in the comfort of their own homes and when they did they'd learnt that it was best to shop one day at a time to avoid creating new forms of life in the fridge.  
  
He was surprised when he looked in Sam's freezer compartment and found a loaf of bread sitting in there. In retrospect he probably that fact probably shouldn't have surprised him. Sam was an exceptionally organised person as out of all of them he would be the one to make sure that he had at least something to eat if he'd not had time to shop.  
  
Removing the loaf from the freezer and setting it on he counter, Josh took his investigation to the cupboards to see what other items Sam had stashed away. He came up with a jar of jelly that was just within its sell by date and a large jar of sticky black, stuff. Stuff was the only word that Josh ever used to describe the black, yeast extract spread. Sam had first tried Marmite on one of their trips to England just after Inauguration and had been hooked ever since.  
  
Josh couldn't stand the stuff so quickly shoved it back in the cupboard with a grimace.  
  
Removing the butter and the coffee grounds from the fridge Josh set about making breakfast. It was a good thing he found creamer next to the machine because the milk in the fridge had turned into a funky smelling soft cheese. That wouldn't bother Sam so much as he drank his coffee black, but Josh was thankful that Sam kept creamer for guests.  
  
Slipping a couple of slices of bread into the toaster, he set the coffee maker going and went back to the living room turning on the TV. Josh wasn't surprised when it immediately came on to CNN. He flopped onto the sofa and watched the news for a few minutes, getting up only when he heard the 'ping' of the coffee maker and to turn the toast. Getting caught up in the sports scores, Josh only remembered about his breakfast when he smelt the burning bread coming from the kitchen.  
  
That meant that his toast was ready.  
  
Going back to the kitchen he busily went about buttering the, what was now, burnt bread. A voice from the counter partitioning the kitchen from the living room startled him.  
  
"We really need to do something about this need you have for excessive amounts of carbon in your diet Josh."  
  
Looking up Josh could see that Sam wasn't really quite awake but could tell that when he was his friend was not going to be feeling good. Even as he stood there he watched as Sam's face suddenly got very pale, turning a slight green colour and then watched as he took off for the bathroom.  
  
"Morning Sam!" Was all he could think of to say after his friend. He supposed, later on, that he could have been a bit more comforting straight off and maybe not laughed at Sam's plight but it really was quite amusing to see the usually strong stomached Sam in the same situation that Josh normally found himself in after a night out drinking.  
  
Josh finished his breakfast quickly, trying not to listen to the sounds of Sam coming from the bathroom. He opened one of the large windows in the living room to try and get rid of the burnt smell of the toast, thinking back on it he supposed it hadn't been much of a help to Sam's present condition.  
  
He was clearing up the kitchen when he heard the toilet flush and the bathroom door open. When Sam didn't come out into the living room Josh poured another cup of coffee and prepared a fresh glass of water then took them into Sam's room.  
  
Sam was sprawled on his stomach on the bed, with his face buried into the pillow, the pale skin of his legs and arms contrasting with the navy blue of the sheets, boxers and grey t-shirt. Josh wasn't sure whether or not he'd gone back to sleep but got his answer in the form of a groan of thanks when he placed the glass of water on the bedside table.  
  
"How could you let me drink so much?" came the muffled plea from within the pillow.  
  
"Well I don't think you should be blaming me there, buddy" Josh replied with a chuckle as he went to sit on the other side of the bed. "You seemed very determined last night."  
  
All he got was another groan from the pillow.  
  
"So I take it you're not feeling too good this morning?" He asked the back of Sam's head.  
  
Sam started to roll his body over so that he was lying on his back. Josh automatically knew the answer to that question by the disgusted look on Sam's face.  
  
"However did you guess, Josh?" came the sarcastic reply.  
  
"Well the way you dashed off just then sort of clued me in."  
  
"Which I partly blame you for by the way! You really are freaky, you know, with this obsession you have for burnt food." Sam draped an arm over his eyes, the other resting lightly on his still queasy stomach. "That was not what I wanted to wake up to this morning. I thought the apartment was on fire."  
  
Josh now felt a little guilty for having contributed to his friends condition. A hangover was not something you wanted to be paired with the rude awakening of thinking your home is on fire.  
  
"Sorry about that. I was watching the TV and forgot about the toast" he said, lightly patting the arm that lay across his friend's face. Another groan came from underneath.  
  
"Oh God, why did I drink so much last night."  
  
"Because you needed the release. You'd been working away like a demon this week and you needed to stop."  
  
"Well I've certainly stopped now. I don't think I'll be able to get out of bed today the way my head feels at the moment."  
  
Noticing that Spencer was all crumpled on the floor by the bed, Josh picked up the bear and started to play with its arms.  
  
"You know this really is a cute bear." He said without realising. It did, however, raise a chuckle from beside him.  
  
"CJ would have a fit if she saw this. The Deputy Chief of Staff, the Deputy Communications Director and a stuffed bear called Spencer, all in a bed." Sam snickered. Then he groaned again, regretting shaking his fragile head.  
  
"Hey it was just you and Spencer here earlier ok. Don't drag me into this!" replied Josh.  
  
"Oh God! Dad would have a fit if he heard about that!" Sam's face suddenly fell when he realised what he'd just said, or rather whom he'd just spoken about.  
  
Josh sensed that this might be the opening he needed to get Sam talking but before he could ask anything Sam continued.  
  
"I spoke to him last night ya know. Before I came to the bar." Sam's voice held such a melancholy note that it made Josh's heart constrict with sympathy. Not knowing whether Sam wanted his to say anything or not Josh opted for what seemed like the safest option and stayed silent. His friend seemed to have turned introspective and Josh didn't really want to interrupt his chain of thought.  
  
"Neither of us knew what to say to each other. He tried to apologise to me. I told him that I couldn't accept it, that I wasn't ready to forgive him for this yet." Sam sighed, throwing one arm over his face to block out the light as well as the world.  
  
"He said he'd been stupid to let it go so long without saying something, that he should have done this years ago. That's what really hurts, you know?" He said, turning his head to peek at Josh over the arm. "That no matter what, he would have always chosen her over us. That she was always first in his mind."  
  
Josh didn't want to point out to Sam that if that was really true then his father would never have kept this a secret for so long. That if he really cared so little for Sam and his mother then he would not have had to lead a double life for the last 28 years.  
  
Josh didn't think Sam was quite ready to hear that yet.  
  
"Looking back now though, all the times he wasn't there, when he didn't come home for dinner, when he missed one of Mom's plays or one of my big swim meets, we always thought he was working. Now I just don't know. I have all these doubts in my head. Was he with her, was he really working, you know?"  
  
Josh nodded his head, even thought he knew that Sam couldn't see him under the shading arm, it was slightly better than the full suspicion that Sam had show earlier in the week.  
  
"I just don't know what it was we did wrong. Mom is just so devastated by it all, she's blaming herself for not being a good wife, that there was something that she should have done to be enough for him. Maybe there was something I should have done."  
  
"Sam don't - " Josh started but was cut off. Sam wasn't in the mood to listen.  
  
"I asked him that. I asked him what it was that we did wrong that made him feel like he had to go to her. Do you know what his answer was? He said that it wasn't us. That it was him. That he couldn't begin to explain how he felt, just that he loved us but he also loves her. He just couldn't live with Mom anymore."  
  
Sam sat up a little and reached for the glass of water. Between the hangover and the talking his voice was starting to sound a little rough.  
  
"I yelled at him then, called him a jackass, among other things that I never thought I'd say to my father." He continued. "I asked him if he had any idea how much Mom loved him, that she would walk through fire for him. I asked him what right he felt he had to treat her like that. All he could do was apologise again. He said he'd understand if I never wanted to speak to him again, but that it would break his heart if that happened."  
  
Silence reigned in the room for a while. So long in fact that Josh had to turn and look at Sam to see if he was ok. He watched as a lone tear slowly tracked it's way down his friend's face and then he watched as it was stubbornly wiped away. Sam was one of the strongest people that Josh knew. Despite what a lot of people who didn't really know Sam would say, Josh knew that he had a will of iron when it came to emotional control. If he didn't want something to show then he wouldn't show it.  
  
The pressure that Sam was feeling must have been really great for that one tear to have got loose.  
  
"As much as this hurts I couldn't imagine my life without him. For all the times he wasn't there, there are the times that he was. Times when we were a happy family and times when we weren't but I still always thought we were a family." Another tear began to roll its way down the pale cheek.  
  
Maybe Sam just needed to let go. If he let go of the control then maybe he'd be able to start to pull himself out of the pit of despair he'd got stuck in.  
  
This tear wasn't wiped away, it was joined by another and then another.  
  
Josh put an arm around one of Sam's shoulders and pulled the dark head to rest on him. As Sam cried silently for a few minutes Josh's thoughts turned to his own father.  
  
He'd loved his father beyond measure and it had been so devastating when he'd died, but he'd always been his father, always been there for him, even when he was sick. Josh just couldn't imagine what it would be like to face the kind of dilemma that Sam now encountered. He asked himself if he could forgive his own father for something like this and he couldn't come up with an answer.  
  
Sam pulled away again, wiping red eyes and taking another sip of water.  
  
"I may think he's the biggest idiot in the world, hate him at the moment for what he's done but as much as I want to I can't stop loving him. He's my father." There was another silence.  
  
"Thank you Josh." He said quietly. Josh knew that would be the last overt display of grief that anyone would see from Sam on this subject. He also knew that had it been anyone but Josh here it would never have happened.  
  
"It's nothing Sam."  
  
"Seriously Josh. You're a good friend. Thanks. Even if I do blame you for this serious headache I've got." Sam chuckled. With that Josh knew the discussion was over. Sam wouldn't be talking anymore about it. Whether he'd come to some sort of peace in his own mind, Josh hoped that was the case, or if he just no longer wanted to air his family's dirty laundry to an outsider anymore, Sam wouldn't mention it again.  
  
"You're blaming me?!" Josh exclaimed, willing to participate in the lighter atmosphere that had taken over the room. "Did I hold your head and pour those drinks down your neck, I think not my friend!"  
  
"Oh yeah, sorry I forgot. You had those two beers didn't you? You were in no shape for anything like that, what with your sensitive system and all." Sam said over his shoulder as he got up off the bed and walked out of the bedroom.  
  
"Wha - ! I do not have a sensitive system! Stop talking to Donna!" Josh exclaimed, incredulous, and got up to follow Sam.  
  
The door to the bathroom opened and Sam stuck his head out.  
  
"You really do have a sensitive system Josh. You cannot handle your drink. You're just going to have to face it." He said with a grin on his face, which was promptly pulled back and the door locked when Josh moved to smack him.  
  
Banging on the door Josh started to yell.  
  
"Don't think you're going to get away with that Samuel Norman Seaborn!!" He hammered his fists on the bathroom door but realised it was futile when he heard the shower running and Sam beginning to sing, blocking out anything from outside the room.  
  
Josh just grumbled to himself. He knew that he didn't have a sensitive system. He just didn't like to drink as much as the others. That was all.  
  
As he walked back to the living room, Joshua Lyman began to plot what he was sure to be the biggest and best prank Sam Seaborn had ever experienced.  
  
***************Fin***************** 


End file.
